How to Judge a Long-Distance Relationship
Relationship: As more and more people meet through online dating or at out-of-home events, and as people are relocated to other cities for work, long-distance relationships become more common. Sometimes they are very challenging and sometimes they work well.
The challenges
If you’re an insecure, anxious, needy, or jealous person, then a long-distance relationship probably isn’t for you. Until you learn to love yourself enough not to worry about what your partner is doing, and lovingly take care of your own feelings, it will likely be very stressful for you.
If you are an extrovert who is recovering with your partner and with others, it can be very difficult not to see your partner on a daily basis, especially if you are a stay-at-home parent or if you work at a job where you don’t have much interaction with others.
If you are a working mother or father, or if you have a number of young children, it can be quite a challenge for you not to have help from your partner.
If consistent, daily personal connection and affection are important to you, then a remote lifestyle wouldn’t work well for you.
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The pros
If you’re a more introverted person who needs a lot of alone time to recover, it can work well for you not to be with a partner on a daily basis.
If you or your partner are both very busy, performance oriented people, getting together on the weekend or even once a month for a weekend can be a lifestyle that works for you.
If both you and your partner enjoy being alone, then a long-distance relationship may be ideal for you.
If the two of you love each other, but you often trigger each other in a way that leads to distance or conflict, then you may not see each other as often if you don’t see each other that often.
If you enjoy traveling and are a very sociable person who makes friends all over the place, and your partner is a calmer person who stays at home, you may find that your needs are met through a long distance relationship.
If you tend to be someone who gives up on herself a lot and is afraid of being overwhelmed, you may feel much safer in a long-distance relationship.
Sometimes people who live in different cities meet and enjoy their relationship to the fullest – as long as they live separately. But the fear of engulfment can be triggered when they make plans to live together.
Beth and her partner Danny both enjoyed their weekends together and their vacations together once a month. They thought the next step would be to live together. But when Danny’s job finally allowed him to move to the same town as Beth, she became terrified. During their seven-year long-distance relationship, Beth often found herself throwing herself up together and even on the phone on the weekends, and sometimes she let out a sign of relief when Danny returned to his house.
Although she complained that she and Danny didn’t have enough time together, Beth suddenly found that when the opportunity arose for this to become a reality, she suddenly reassessed the relationship. Her fear of engulfment was so great that she ended the relationship. She told me that Danny was a demanding person, and she could get by in a long-distance relationship, but not in a live-in.
Beth could have done the inner work needed to develop her loving adult so that she no longer gave herself up, but she had convinced herself that the relationship would still end when she stopped being a caregiver. She may have been right, but she was also wrong. The only way she could have known the truth would have been to stop worrying and see what happened. But she was unwilling to take this risk.
It’s important to be honest with yourself about whether a long-distance relationship is right for you.
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